Many guys face this emotional challenge early on in their dating lives before they have had any sexual experience with women and when they are still virgins. They start going out with a girl, they start liking her and develop feelings for her. For one reason or another they assume that the girl is also a virgin. She is not a virgin. The guy tries to be rational. But it still bothers him.
And then all of this stuff about sexual histories will seem kind of silly in retrospect. Or, on the other hand, you may see that this relationship is going to last in all likelihood , in which case it becomes important for you to work through your concerns with your partner. That is not a small thing. Mike handles all of the programming and design work for WTM.
Although he still writes the occasional article , he spends most of his time these days creating new site features and keeping everything organized. Mike is web software developer by day, and is in school to become a psychologist. In his free time Mike enjoys running, biking, and movies. Thank you so much for writing this.
Thanks for your comment. I totally agree that, ideally, all of us waiters would only date other people who are waiting till marriage exactly like we are. And not always for bad reasons. Sometimes you meet a non-waiter that you really like. If you decide to date them, then the above list becomes relevant. To me it comes down to thinking about the relationship long-term. And long-term, one of three outcomes is going to occur….
You have too many core differences, and will eventually break up. If this happens, then all that fighting and worrying you did about their sexual history is kind of wasted, and probably prevented you from fully enjoying the good aspects of the relationship. You ignore too many of your differences and settle for them, leading to a bad, unsatisfying marriage.
Often, many other personality characteristics stem from their past behaviors. You still want to pay very close attention to those, and be watchful. Relationships are great fun, and there are few things in life that grow you as much as a person. Ultimately, if you and your partner have too many core differences, the relationship is going to end on its own anyway. Just be aware, thoughtful, and realistic. I mean, what else would you be doing this weekend?
Look, I say all this to explain my reasoning. I have tortured myself and girlfriends about sexual past in plenty of my relationships. It was such a waste. And there were so many good aspects to those relationships and those girls that I wish could have enjoyed more without being so hung-up. But it would have made me a kinder person, and taken my stress level way down, while they lasted.
Well, that and one more factor: Those two experiences really shaped me. I realized when I met this girl that there were some qualities that were more important even that the virgin factor. Anyhow, thank very much for your great comment. I hope to hear more from you. You should go join the forums! Me and this girl have been seeing eachother for a while now.
I like her ALOT. When the text came telling me that she wasnt a virgin, the moment i read it i just froze up. I couldnt do anything, i just felt sick to my stomach. She never really had a boyfriend. So it was just a random? Its been 3 days now, I like her too much but its in the back of my mind all the time. I havent eaten, everyone i see says i look sick. My parents are asking about us.
Ive been distant with all my friends. Shes the first girl i ever really liked, and i just feel so trapped and im not sure if this should bother me that much. Wounded pride — In effect, you just found out that your girlfriend is less yours. She physically has already given a big piece of herself to somebody else.
Betrayal — She was supposed to save herself for you, and she went and gave it up to some random dude. Insecurity — Does she still think of the random dude?
Is she satisfied with you? In general, it feels a lot like she cheated on you. And picturing her with that other guy, especially outside the context of a relationship, is tearing you to shreds. But the reality is probably pretty unremarkable. Some backseat hookup that meant nothing and felt even less. You need to talk to her about this and let her explain the whole situation to you, including how she feels about it. And you need to forgive her. If you focus too much on this it will cost you the relationship and hurt both of you.
Is it really worth that to you? Is that what you really want? For the relationship to end? I know you want her to see her history through the condemning filter that you see it through…want her to see her past as bad and wrong like you do…but at what cost? If you really like this girl, see if you can work it out. This is more your hang-up than hers, and in the long run you will kick yourself for any hurt you caused her over it. You have a chance to be the nice guy here, forgive her instantly for her past, and move forward enjoying your relationship.
Watch and see which direction this girl goes in, and plan accordingly. Wow, this was such a great read and I can really relate to it.
And I feel like it will be even harder in the future. Any advice or insight? I would really appreciate it. Fist off, do not have sex just to make the pain go away. If you throw that away casually or for the wrong reasons, it will affect your development as a person.
It will make you less. You will become a person who gives up on her values whenever they cause her pain. Congrats, you have love!
Mutually affectionate relationships are few and far between. That is what creates this pain you feel. As much as you can, you need to lighten up and enjoy him and the relationship for its own sake. Think in the present. Let the relationship go where it will on its own. Either he is very compatible with you naturally, and you will end up getting married, etc. Or he is not forever-compatible with you and you both will eventually go your separate ways.
But if you change your values now by giving up your decision to wait , you risk achieving a kind of fake compatibility that prolongs the relationship past its natural end.
So again, stay strong and see where this goes. Talk to him about it. Get all the gory details on the table so you can stop filling in the blanks with your own terrible anti-fantasies about his history. As I said to Jezhr above, the reality is often refreshingly unremarkable. You have built-up his history in your head to involve all these worse-case scenarios. In the mean time, enjoy! You have no reason to take this so seriously yet.
The more you can just enjoy his company now, the less the past will bother you. It gets so, so much easier. Then you get secure in your values, you build up some good muscles for dealing with the past, etc.
And you worry less. So stick this one out and it will get better! The love is the important part. I say this from personal experience. I look back at my first big relationship after I decided to wait and I think two things:. Great writing on all these issues, Mike. There is truth to all that you have mentioned. You virgin keep your values; never give up….. To those who have wated and even those who havent, im a die hard Christian who plans to wait but i have a friend whos like a brother to me who choose not to wait he and the girl are not together now and it makes me sad to think someone i use to like gave it up for a girl who in the end didnt care.
Love is patient yes he messed up but i need to be patient and kind to him and help lift him up in Christ. True i probablly wont ever love him like that again but hes still my friend and brother in Christ and im willing to forgive. Ok i really need some help i have to do a project on sexual abstince i have to cover both sides peole who wait and peole who dont i cant find anything on the internet for peole who dont and the only people i know in real life who haveent are too ashamed to talk about it.
I refuse to have sex before marrige if that means i have to wait till im 80 so i cant help myself i dont know what to do!!! I found this article extremely helpful. My situation is a little different, I am not a virgin now.
Recently, the man I am in love with and of course my first divulged to me that he has had sex with 6 other people before me…. Its ALL I can think about! I have brought it up with him, but really felt no resolution. I waited for him…. However, now this has helped me realize that my being uncomfortable with it is okay…. Im really happy I stumbled upon this on my google search.
Also Michelle, I can talk to you about the not-waiting part if you want. Im not ashamed at all. I waited my due time for love, which I felt was the most important thing for ME.
I think sex should be reserved for someone special, who you love and thats the most important thing. I completely understand that on waitingtillmarraige.
Thanks for the article its gone really very help full to me and my partner to carry our relationship last longer…………. I feel like this was directed right at me. I went through this trouble for the first year me and my boyfriend were dating. Thankfully, I pushed through and everything is much better now. I am a Biology AA grad student and Im 21 years old.
I ama virging and he is not, he is very caring and came through for me and respect that fact that he is my first boyfriend. Setime I feel like we will last and other times I feel not. HE has never been with a virgin before and its hard for him. Because of his character and good heart I have givng him a chance in my life. At times he said he wish he waited because before he met me he fell weak with a promiscous women and unfortunatelygot her pregnant, his daughter will be 5 this year.
We kiss,cuddle touch each other but never intercourse. People make mistakes and were not perfect Roman3: I pray God keep him strong to walk this journey with me. This really helped me, and I will reread this to help me with my situation. Everything in this article rang true with me, and I thank you for your advice.
Would it really help me to get past the pain quicker? Of course, it could also be worse than you were thinking. This is why they teach people with lots of debt to first tally the debt and really figure out where they stand. Anyway, back to your story. In your mind, you picture him having sex with his ex hundreds of times, in every possible position. We had sex like a total of 4 times. The first time was a little awkward. And the last time we were drunk and stopped half way through.
Suddenly, all of those dark, painful fantasies you created to torture yourself with collapse into the plain, boring reality, and you feel retarded for making such a big deal out of it. Does that explain the point better? Dear Mike, Thanks, Your last clause is true and everybody should remember it.
Certainly, torturing them about it will leave us worse. I just wanted to ask.. The very fact that someone else pleasured her, or even fondled her they way i feel i am meant to.. But i am very much in love, and very eager to see past this. So thank you for it. Though i feel more and more regret over the fact that i did not instigate a relationship earlier, because i had known her before her first boyfriend..
Time is cruel in this way. Thank you for all of this information and debate, I have suffered for near on 3 years now and had a real tough time of it. I am a stocky strong willed chap but this has reduced my confidence to putty!!
Just a few personal oddities and I am cured lol. Once again Thank you all. Thanks for this article. I thought I was alone with the jealousy problem and its good to know im not the only one, although I would not wish it on anyone. My main problem is with images of her in my head with someone else, how on earth do I get them out? Its like a horrific porno with my girlfriend in it.
I try changing the channel in my head, like on a TV. This works to a degree but the images come back eventually. I love and respect my girlfriend and want to be with her forever. Its just a pity this jealousy taints what is a loving relationship. And I fully accept it is MY problem as it is something in her past that she can not control any more. We have been dating for nearly a year and not had sex, we are waiting for marriage.
She has had sex in the past but I am one of those rare men who is waiting for the marriage night. Very important part to me was the not blaming them for their past because they cannot change it, and to stop thinking about it. In fact, they already feel self-conscious about it next to you. Especially teenagers having sex. And I think legality should play a role in it. Though ur anwers had helped me alot and i appreciate it….
This helped me a little bit but Im still really frickin hurt. I love him sooo much, Ive never felt this way about anyone. And hes the only guy Ive ever slept with and Im 6 weeks pregnant right now. Hes 21 and Im He lost his virginity when he was 18 with a girl he barely knew at a party, and the second girl was a girl he was with in a actual relationship and they did it like 3 times. It just kills me thinking about all this.
Ive talked to him about this alot. He says he regrets all of it so much and he wishes he could change the past but he cant. And he wishes I was his first..
Hes even cried about it, and said he hates himself for it. It helped me a little bit but I still feel like shit. But I still love him so much. I HATE it so much. Oh yeah, to all you people having this problem, stay strong!
Your not the only one hurting. It was really well thought out and I will use some of this information with regards to my current situation. Ben Dover are you a virgin? Why do you need a girl to be a virgin for you to appreciate who she is? I am not a virgin; my boyfriend is…we have been together for three years. I had sex once. I shut down after moments like these because I already have to deal with the pain that I feel from having compromised the relationship I will have with my future husband.
Yes being a virgin is great but it does not make you any better than anyone else and I am sick and tired of people especially christian people making it seem as if persons who are not virgins are the worst people in the world. I just want him to accept me or leave me alone…I have told him this before but he is not letting go. I tell him all the time I am not his ideal and he should find someone else who is. The most common source of problems in relationships is that the couple misinterpreted their mutual feelings of attraction as love.
This normally results in the couple trying to keep up appearances after about 5 years, and wondering where the love went. It is important to know that attraction is an emotional feeling that may fade, while love is a promise that has nothing to do with attraction. Love is a promise to do 4 things.
To accept everything that you know and do not know about her now. To accept her regardless of what happens in the unknown future as you both age — for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health for as long as you both shall live. Even if she is disfigured by an accident or crippled by illness, you accept her. To forgive her later. To encourage her to improve. This 4th one gives purpose to your relationship — otherwise it will get boring.
If you are both ready to make and keep these promises to each-other, then you are ready to love. When you keep them, you demonstrate your love for each-other. After you formally make your promises at your wedding, you complete or consummate these promises with sexual intercourse. Every time that you subsequently have sexual intercourse, you reinforce your promises — it is truly a wonderful and mutually satisfying experience. If you have sexual intercourse before making your promises, then you show her that you are capable of justifying forsaking her for a younger, shapelier rival when she gets older.
If you are able to restrain yourself when your attraction for her is at its highest, then you show her that you are capable of resisting the rival that will inevitably come. Attraction is a feeling. Love is a Promise. My boyfriend had sex with his ex with a total of 3 times..
Dating a girl who isnt a virgin
However i cant stop thinking about it and it hurts me so much whenever i start to think about it. Hey Mike, Thank you for your insights and although it seems to help I have something maybe you can personally help me with. I was in an 8 year relationship from high school we got married and so on. It just bothers me because she has a pretty bad past. Do I tell her straight out how it makes me feel? She knows a little bit but not exactly how I feel. Last night my girlfriend told me that she has had sex before and it has been really disturbing me on the inside.
I told her that I have never even kissed someone. I asked her if that changed how she sees me. I could use some help.
In conversation, downplay both histories. Put her at ease about the idea of entering a potentially-physical relationship with you.
You want it to feel normal and exciting for both of you. More important is the fact that you really, really want to kiss her. This article really helped me alot. Well to tonight I asked him and he was hesitant to tell me but eventually said 6 people.
Soo this honestly blew me away because he only had 2 serious relationships before me. I came across this website while looking for general advice and found so many great and helpful things, but feel I need more specific help. I grew up in a great Christian home, and have continued to follow that faith and carry it as my own now. My Sophomore year in college I gave my virginity to a boy I was truly in love with and then he really destroyed part of me a couple years later , and in the years following discovered I did so because of low self-esteem and because I thought he would love me more.
Completely stupid, I know, especially when I consider how analytical I am in a thousand other ways. I recovered what I could, only to fall into the same trap of insecurity and love-neediness again in my early 20s. I thought perhaps it would be different that time. That relationship ended more than 1. Perhaps for the first time I found who I was, and determined not to give in to personal insecurities, as they only further destroy what you try so desperately to hold on to.
All my selfish pride had no place to hide because my mind was no longer allowed to cope the way it had been for so many years. By the grace of God I am in such a better place than before I was sick.
Dating a non-virgin
I cannot express the guilt I carry for giving myself away so foolishly. Holding on to what you believe is right in your youth becomes so much more right the more fully you realize why you should hold on to it.
And losing it has the opposite effect. I met him toward the end of being sick, and he has seen a few of my bad days, but increasingly good ones. He is my sunshine, and the one I have always prayed for, needed, and wanted to hold every day for the rest of my days.
I want to be everything I can for him. He says the same to me, and I know that he is my one. So I found every article on this site related to that topic, and a couple from other sources, and shared them all with him. Just the guilt remains. Only, I am terrified it will cease to be an issue. Yet, this is still a big problem in our relationship.
I have never given my whole heart, but he has mine. He had all of it before I even knew it was all his. I have told him that many times, and it seems to help. Only, a week later the jealousy or anger are still there. I am absolutely sick to think about losing him. I cannot imagine it. What is worse is that it is my doing, my foolishness from years ago that have undone the present.
My questions are what can I do to help this? Can this be helped? Is it possible that it will never be fixed? What should I do or say or not do or say? When is the point at which he or I should leave? What, ultimately, is the real issue he is dealing with?
Any other advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading this giant post. Its not just the woman out there that should keep their legs closed… its the men out there as well. I cannot stress the fact that there are waaaay too many male nonwaiters. Hi everyone and Mike, I was brought up in a strict Christian environment and I waited till I got married. I was 30, she was We were both virgins and our love-sex life is good. I cant compare as I dont have any other experiences.
Waiting until marriage was not a choice I took, but it was the social setup and upbringing. I am 33 now and as I look back, I would most likely not remain a virgin. I came to the US when I was 22 and I get enough stories from friends and coworkers about their rich sex life. I know so many who had sex with their coworkers and innumerable one night stands and short flings.
As a guy, I feel I am living a super boring life to have had sex soo late in life and with only 1 woman. I am dying to go have some women or one night stands even if it means risking my marriage. I want to go see a sex therapist cause I dont seem to find a solution. Any advice would be helpful and your article is bang on target.
When I dated I always asked sexual history, cause I was a virgin and expected the same. Hi JoBeth, I read your post very intently and I have kindof gone through the situation he has been. If you both really love, honor and cherish each other and vow to be loyal till death do us apart, then you have a promising marriage.
I want to tell him that there is Nothing, and I mean nothing, scientifically or spiritually that anybody or anything can do to change his or your past. What matters is now, the Present. He could have been in your shoes and you in his and how would he feel about it if his partner hates him for his past. He needs to analyze that and both of you need to commit to one another in body, mind and soul. I feel it odd to be giving advice when I am fighting my own demons, but I hope this brings you hope.
Besides having guys is a very low number for US standards and hopefully he should be glad about that and rest his issues. I get all wrapped up in jealous that when he say he loves me and wants to be with me, he probably has said all those things to her.
Why am I so upset about it? Jack has had a handful of partners and lost his virginity in high school. Will I ever get over this? I am a 22 year old female virgin as well. I have talked to a few guys but none that I have felt serious enough to be in a relationship with. The only one I felt like I could be in a serious relationship with was my long time friend. We went to high school and college together. We never dated but we began talking recently and I believe we have feelings for each other.
He at first was waiting for marriage to have sex. Recently I found out he had sex one time with an older woman. I felt sad, pissed, and dissappointed.
How can I cope with this? I was a virgin for 30 yrs and expected a virgin. I think we are a rare breed and should look for a similar rare breed. I can relate to all these stories and at first I thought I was the only one going through this, but now I know I am not alone.
IN my case I am a widower and my wife was not a virgin when I met her. I was, so it bothered me so much for many years until I realized or I made myself realize that sex is just like a hand shade. Nothing is actually taken away. But occasionally I felt that pain of jealousy cause I thought she should have been first mine. Anyway she loved me and I loved her.
Well after 22 years of marriage she passed away and now I have to start all over. Recently I met a young lady with a child and I thought i could love her child. So we talked about previous relationships and she confessed to me that she had sex with only two guys and I felt I could move on with that but then i found out that she actually had six guys and not only two.
This made me feel betrayed and the problems started there. Since I felt I loved her, jealousy stepped in. I really feel I can do better than that but I am confused. By the way, she is 22 and I am Or even in the future since I will be 60 when she will just be Most people advice me not to continue with her because of age range.
I like her a lot otherwise. She is beautiful and sexy. Any advice for me? Mike your article helped me calm down about the fact that my girlfriend had sex already. But I still have one concern, I feel like once I marry this girl that it will only be special for me and not so much for her. It enrages me thinking about this cause I feel like it could end up coming true.
Well, im 32 now, I waited… hmm.. I know how you feel. He use to make me feel like an angel before i told him my sexual past. I love him so much but i was so afraid he would leave me because of it. I was afraid id leave him because of the way he was treating me.
Iv been in horrible relationships and hes the love ove my life. Since he has read this and sees hes not the only peron going through this he said hes going to show me more respect as his girlfriend and not someone elses ex. I think everything will work out. Maybe not as quickly as id hope bit we are serious about each other. Dont let something like this tear one of the best relationships apart.
So I feel the same way as a lot of you. My girlfriend had sex with two guys before me. But she lost her virginity to a random british guy who was at a party she went to. She has told me everything she did with these guys and I hate it. Honesty is good, but there are details I do not want to know, she has done everything before, so I am just old news. I am her third partner in less than a year of her losing it, and I just think of her as easy and willing to sleep with anyone because she is insecure about herself.
We dated for four months before having sex, so I got to know her first. I wish I lost mine to another virgin and I regret it. But I cant do this unless I break up with her first.
Dear Mike, Me and my girlfriend are in love and I have loved her for a long time. We have been best friends for a while and a year ago, I. Started to really like her. We ended up hooking up but not anything big or serious. She met a guy in the grade ahead of us and they looked really good together and she ended up losing her virginity to him and staying with him for six months.
After they broke up, we became best friends again and she told me she liked me a lot. I had never gotten over her, so we dated. A week into the relationship we truely started falling in love and i havent regretted anything with her, she told me she never ended up liking him as much as me, but she just thought things were too far gone to ever get me back.
What do I do to stop thinking about her previous relationship? I recently found this site and it describes in many articles, picture perfectly the way I am feeling regarding certain situations! However I am having difficulty trying to rationalize my emotions regarding my partner becoming non-virgin due to an incident that occurred during our relationship rather than prior to it.
My partner my fiance now and I have been together for 5 years since high school. We have the utmost love and respect for each other, share very closely held values, and are best friends. We share a lot emotionally and physically but certain things, we decided, would be kept sacred for after marriage.
However, a year and a half ago before becoming engaged , we were going through a rough patch in our relationship while he was away for the summer, and devastated with the emotions etc. We have talked much about the situation and I know how terrible and ashamed he feels about it and know that he feels he will never do anything like that again. Yet even after over one year since the incident, I still find myself feeling angry and jealous that it was supposed to be something special between us the first for both of us and feel as if there is no point in me waiting anymore.
We knew we were going to get married for many years before- however I do not want this past incident to affect our marriage in terms of comparing myself against this woman. I would greatly appreciate any advice you have on learning to forgive my partner, love him for who he is now, and continue to uphold my values of waiting until marriage.
Love this article and all entries. That time off will make it extra special for her, and the feelings that drive her to wait with you add plenty of specialness on their own. Instead of churning endlessly comparing your current self to the other guy, improve yourself as it relates to her. Find new ways to make her happy, inside the bedroom and out. Remember that, because it counts for a lot. The present is everything. You have all the opportunity in the world right now, and his time has come and gone.
Rebecca — One night stands are typically awkward, drunken, over fast, and extremely underwhelming. That goes triple if it was his first time. Going forward, you have have to make a choice: You can choose all of the hurt, or you can choose him. I can totally understand how each day you keep waiting, it reinforces your frustration and anger at him for breaking his half of the bargain while you continue to keep yours.
But you can build a new one. You have to change the way you think about waiting, and waiting with him. And he still wants to wait with you, even if that takes years. And, technically, the benefits of waiting will still apply to your marriage despite this incident. But all of that is moot if your lingering sense of betrayal and his lingering shame is going to continue to poison your relationship.
Let me know how it goes! Hello everyone, I know it has been awhile since this post but I am hoping someone will give me some insight. Here is my story… Unfortunately, I was not a waiter. I wish now that I was. I am now in my early forties. Despite not having been a waiter, I was never promiscuous. I have had 4 partners in my life. My first boyfriend and I were together for 4 years before we had sex.
I thought he was going to be my husband and were engaged when we had sex. Unfortunately, he died and I was devastated. A few years later, I meet another man who again, I dated for many years before we had sex.
We were engaged and I thought thag God had given me another wonderful man. Slowly this man began abusing me verbally and untimately physically.
The sex was non existant during those times and my self exteeem was next to none. I mustered the courgare to leave him and worked on myself and finished my degree. I was alone during that time…no sex and no casual encounters. Never did I have any casual flings of any kind. In my thirties, I meet another man and was moreso careful.
We dated for many years and got engaged. Again, I thought I was blessed. During this relatonship, there was no sex and I made it very clear that I did not want to have sex before marriage.
I did not want to do the same mistake again. During this relationship, I came to find out that he cheated on me not once but twice. He turned the table around and blamed me for him having to seek sex elsewhere. He called me a hypocrite because I was not a virgin and yet tried to behave like one. I ended the relationship then and there. Once again, I was alone for about 3 years and not having any casual sex. About 7 years ago I met my current fiance. When we met, quite coincidentally as I was not looking for anyone, he seemed like the perfect man.
Right from the start, I told him about my past and my values. He was no fresh daisy but I never thought he did had played out his sex life withiut morals or consequences.
I informed him from the beginning that honesty and communication was crucial for me and that I did not wish to be involved with a man who had a casual view of sex. I was fully cspable of being with a man who was jot a waiter but one who had been in only serious relationships.
Asking for otherwise, would make me a hypocrite. He assured me that that he was a man of values and morals. Things were wonderful for the first 5 years and this man is by far the best friend I thought I ever had. Turns out he lied to me about so much. In fact, most of his sexual encounters were very casual…fuck buddies and one night stands…. When I found out, my world shattered. I felt as though I was punched in the stomach. He says he lied because he saw that I was a good girl with values and that he did not want to lose me.
He said that he always dreamed of finding a girl like me but after having been treated lkke dirt by his first and second girlfriend, tnag he thought that love did not exist. I think he was horny and got off on having no strings attached sex. He betrayed me…he lied to me…he conned me in orderto get into my life. Now all these years later…years that I invested into this man, I feel like I had no choice…he ne er gave me the choice nor the benefit of the doubt.
On the other hand, he never asks for sex and respects me on that level. He has waited and is willing to wait. I am stuck now dealing with the betrayal lies that he told me for years, but also with this knowledge of him having sex with these random moraless womem. The images are taunting and it makes me nauseated. I am trying to do the right thing by forgiving him amd moving along but it is really hard.
I need someone on the outside to give me some advice.
Thank you and God bless. Hello Mike, I have been with my girlfriend over 6 years now. When we met I was 24 and she was I was a virgin and she told me she had sex once with a guy and that it was a mistake.
Recently she had an email from him and told me. She also mentioned a one year relationship and after few days I was wondering as it did not correlate with previous story. I spoke to her about it and she said she was 19 with him once and they they were on and off for year but he wasnt for her.
So I dont know how many times she has slept with him and I think he was her only sexual partner. I also have told her I was a virgin when I met her only because I was shy and lacking in confidence so could not perform with 4 or 5 people I met on one night xstands.
I did not think about this before as I thought she had sex once and didnt enjoy it but now I realise she was with him a number of times I cant get it out of my head, of what they did and her enjoying someone else. I do not want this to damage our relationship. I know she didnt tell me full story at beginning as she was ashamed I wasnt her first and she didnt want to hurt me. I know it is a mixture of pride and possibly she has experienced a sexual realationship with someone else that I didnt due to my issues.
The conversation upset her a lot and I do not want to punish her but the images are driving me mad. Do I leave it alone and deal with myself orvtalk more? This advice is just a way to keep your mind off of her not being a virgin.
Crystalina Evert talks about this in her chastity talks. She went to a high school where there was a girl who was known to have slept with multiple guys. The people in the school decided they knew all about her: But her parents were going through a divorce, and whenever she was at home, there was yelling and screaming.
She said that at least when she was with those guys, for a few moments when they held her, it felt like love, and it was the only thing close to love she was experiencing. They need love and understanding, not condemnation and name-calling. My parents, my grand parents, my friends have all been like that, but my gf is a non-virgin and she has had sex with at least six people, all men, whom she had believed to be the love of her life at some point.
It pains me to think that so many people had touched her and had sex with her.Should the virgin gal marry the non-virgin guy?
Why is that my girl has to be touched and defiled by so many people? And this also creates a great sorrow in my heart that I am not fortunate enough to have someone just for me, like the people from my society. You might say you have found a girl you love and that make you fortunate. But so has other people in my family. Why does God have to give me such a miserable deal? Now that is not a possibility. Why does this have to happen? I want this girl, but with her not being touched by anyone.
I once dated a girl so silly and sexually repressed to think that she could serve up purity on a platter by being a virgin for her future husband. She had never even been in a remotely normal dating relationship, but somehow expected that a successful marriage would transpire out of thin air. You people need to embrace human sexuality instead of needlessly punishing yourselves for wanting what is natural.
People who actually love and respect each other are usually happy and excited just spending time together. They freely admit that they want to have sex, and that sex is a good thing.
Anonymous, I have a slightly different story bc it has bothered me, but I believe that how you are handling it is great. If you are a Christian then you know that all sins are equal and that we are supposed to forgive others. I have taken this approach because I love him too much to let him go.
I highly believe that a person can ask God for a renewed virginity and promise to save themselves for marriage. Virginity is like a wrapped gift. If you let someone open it sex , then your future spouse is left with an already opened gift while you may be giving them your beautifully wrapped gift. But they can ask God to re-wrap their gift. Pain will still be there for future relationships, but they have taken an oath with God. Why should you not be able to forgive him? Thank you so much! This article really helped me out because everything in it explains the way i feel.
Because he was their guidance to the Lord. We must reflect his love in such ways, and learn to accept the person you love, who also loves you. But he does now. And that is enough for me to know, that God has plans for us. This article helped me realize, there are more pros than cons. And the only way to get through once you know they are the right, is through the lord. Thank you so much for this! This helped me see what I am doing wrong. But one quick question.
My bf talks about his past sex life with almost pride, what does that mean? Shes 18 and lost it at I find that discussing. Now shes with me now of course and considering marriage. Images of you and others having sex keep poping up in my head and it killing the whole mood here.
This article really did lift some weight off my shoulders but everything I just talked about is still on my mind. Mike I have been with this guy for some time now and I love everything about him,I honestly thought he was the one.
I really want things to work out between us but I get the feeling that things are never going to be the same between us again. Get off your weird, shaming high-horse and move toward something more productive. That name calling is so horribly gross. For one reason or another they assume that the girl is also a virgin. She is not a virgin. The guy tries to be rational. But it still bothers him. If you are a guy who faces the above challenges, I would like to suggest to you two very effective things that you can do to overcome this problem:.
Because it is indeed mostly positive. Her sexual experience will help both of you during the first time that you have sex with her. It will only make things more difficult for both of you the first time you have sex. You must stop seeking and expecting perfection from every aspect of your dating situation and of the girl you are with. As much as you might like her and be crazy about her, and as much as you might think that she is one of a kind — she is not perfect.
Guess what — sooner or later you will realize that just like any other relationship, this dating situation is not perfect either. You will have arguments, fights and other problems. This would sound very cynical, but statistically you will more likely that not break up, and there will many other women in your life after that girl, who was your first sexual partner.
This is not a good thing or a bad thing. It is just part of life and part of coming of age for the majority of young men. So, stop worrying or expecting her to be pure and attached. Focus on your present and on the fact that she wants to be with you and you want to be with her. Perceive your interaction and your initial sexual experience with her as a valuable lesson and an introduction to your sex life, and this mindset will serve you well.