Spring is around the corner and it makes one wonder when the lucky in love train will be arriving. With the change of seasons, singles are calling and writing in record numbers seeking help and guidance with an achy pain and frustrated feeling. They're swiping, smiling, flirting, and they're still single. They're wondering what they're doing wrong. If you feel this way, know that you're not alone. Just like you may do a spring cleaning of your wardrobe and check your medical health at the beginning of the season, it's also time for a digital checkup on the reasons why you're not successful with online dating, or any dating for that matter.
One evening, I read like 10 profiles, made custom messages that I felt were well thought out. This is on both OKCupid and Match. I do have one guy on OkCupid though who likes to send me dick pics I've met my girlfriend on a dating site. But I've read literally hundreds of profiles, contacted dozens of women, went to a dozen of a really bad dates before I've found someone. The problem is you're messaging guys out of your league. Close your eyes and think of the perfect guy now open them.
Would you as that perfect guy settle for you? I'm not messaging guys out of my league. I don't want a guy that's super fit and looks like a movie star. I want a guy that I'm attracted to, but that I'll feel comfortable around. Eventually there would be sex, which won't happen if I'm too self-conscious or if I'm grossed out at the thought. So if I dream up my perfect man, he's going to be a little hefty, he's going to have a receding hairline and his face won't be clean shaven, he's going to wear comic book characters tshirts, he's also not going to be hugely successful, but he'll have his act together, he'll be well educated, and sarcastic, and a little bit dark, and if I were that guy, yeah, I'd date me because I'm pretty sure if I were a guy, this is the guy I'd be.
I think perhaps you're reflecting your own insecurities and prejudices on others. Kim, if you're not getting replies, you simply aren't attractive. I'm not being mean just being real. Don't kid yourself for the sake of saving your ego. I agree with you, Kim.
It's the men who are delusional. I'm an average looking 35, slim but not gorgeous woman and I've had terrible luck online. Men DO assume that women have it made on dating sites, and we can just sit back and let the decent messages roll in. It's only the women who are under 30 and look like models who can do that. I started online dating when I was 26 and a size 3. It didn't work for me much better than it does now. Men who look like George Costanza think they deserve Jessica Alba. And, will ONLY message the super hottest women out there.
While we try to message guys in our own age range, with a similar level of looks and intelligence and get ignored. It's a waste of time and I am so done with it. There are some very interesting posts here.
For the ladies I would say I'm sorry that you have to put up with so many rude, insulting, crass men and their messages. Very unfortunate, but most likely the culmination of a cultural whirlwind that has swept over the land the last 50 years or so. I typically respond to messages from women that I have no interest in and do so in a polite manner, encouraging them to stick with it as it takes time to find the right person online.
However, I don't think the online dating model is productive, for all the reasons mentioned in the posts below. And to those that say that millions of people have met and married via online dating sites, I say prove it with hard data, not conclusory statements bereft of evidence. In my case, I've had several dates from these sites.
The first gal profiled herself as The next gal was very nice and I had met her at a gym that we both were members several years back.
Very attractive woman, but I was sure that I would be happy being with her every day for the rest of my life.
I could have continued into a relationship with her just for companionship and sex, but that's not who I am. I have to be convinced that I am falling in love with a woman, or could do so, before I am willing to fall into bed with her. Old school, I guess. That last gal messaged me relentlessly. She stated in her profile that she was "curvy"she was not, she was obese. Now here's the interesting thing. Like most other men here, I don't get a lot of message responses via online dating.
But if I go out to meet women, I will get approached by fairly attractive women 20 years my junior, routinely. For some reason, I don't get approached by women within 5 years of my age or unattractive women.
I don't have to do any of the work. And again, they could end up being friends with benefits, if I were so inclined.
But again, the issue is do I want to wake up to this woman every day for the rest of my life. So far, the answer has been no so no sexual activity occurs subsequently.
I have thus concluded that real life, 3 dimensional contact is vastly superior to online dating if you are searching for a mate. You get to examine the product up close and personal, and you're not confronted with them whipping out their photo album to show you 18 pics of them skiing, hang gliding, with their pets, their kids, grandchildren, or ex's.
And conversation actually ensues without a question questionnaire. Best of all, you don't have to travel 30 miles to be disappointed. I'm out of material for now. I met my guy. We have friends who met their partners on line If you havent met anyone after a few months then it is not the flaw of on line dating or the other gender.
Why is it that many of the men or women behind those profiles you flip throgh have found success? People ARE meeting in person. YOU are the issue. You may be the greatest catch in the universe but YOU need to shake up your profile, message style, responses, etc.
Dont just tweak a few variables but start afresh. Haha, isn't that funny, the guys profile needs to be shaken, as usual is the guys fault. I have done online dating, for a good while, and met people, got some short relationships, out of it. One of the main issues are, a guy needs to send loads of emails to get very little replies from women. The other issue is due to women having to make nearly no effort, as are mainly the guys who contact them.
So, all they need to do is look at the photos and choose, without even bother to read the emails, deleting them straight away. All because they think with so many guys contacting them, there's always a better one just about to appear! The other issue, is how quick they are at labelling guys, any little thing he said she didn't like or goes how she thinks he should have approached her he is a creep a weirdo etc.
Man, I totally feel you. But I think probably there is some other issue because I followed all the possible tips and i have never ever even thought about saying "ur hot" or stuff like that and I only met a girl who wanted to find a man to get a passport to stay in the country after several years. As if they were so much more special that we have to go beyond the moon not to even get an answer, because their "emotional" brain I am sarcastic about both labels you in two seconds.
I think it is really too simple for them at least too many of them and what does that say about their ability to approach real difficulties in relationships and life? Women dont send dick pics to guys. That's why we are not creepy. If men didn't immediately make everything sexual they might have better luck. I never get guys that ask me about my interest or hobbies. A lot of the men are their own worst enemy. Guys rant in their profiles. They have few good clear photos or they choose photos with other women in there and dont crop them out.
Most guys put very little effort into their profiles and then they are shocked women aren't interested. A lot of men come across as bitter, self-absorbed, shallow, perverted, womanizer. They can be the nicest person but if they display any of those qualities they wont get the time of day.
You know why men on dating sites are like that? Because after weeks or months of sending deeply thought out, interesting messages to women with shared interests and trying to talk about those interests, only to get completely ignored or get a one line reply and then nothing, most of us realized there's just no point in wasting time.
In fact, I found this article by googling "why do women never want to talk about common interests on dating sites", trying to figure out why this is the case. From all my experience it seems clear to me that all women want are cheap thrills from a hot "bad guy" - nice, interesting guys with common interests don't tickle their libido so we get ignored.
Women get some creepy comments but some nice comments too. Men get no responses and are wasting their time on money on these sites.
Men don't get responses because they have a failure to communicate and they don't type so how do you communicate when you don't type the internet bathing system requires one to know how to type and if you pack it gets boring waiting on someone to respond back to you. Then again unfortunately there are so many women now that are either gay and or bi adding to the problem too.
As an internet busybody I hope to add my contribution to this awesome topic that has baffled the greatest and the not so great.
The trend I see in most of the comments is Women siding with women and men siding with men, with few exceptions. Lots of people list personal anecdotes and use it it to generalise to what the real issue is. To me, after giving a lot of thought to this matter as a result of my own dating frustrations on Tinder, match , OK Cupid, and PoF. I think the problem is a matter of choice. The ballooning of choice that internet dating has brought on now means we are no longer satisfied with our current options until our hands are forced.
In the old days,people just met partners I. School, at church or at work and found a way to make it work. Now you have a seemingly unlimited supply of partners. Even when you find one that is good enough, the current societal conditioning not to settle for anything for the best, or 'the one' just means the search continues. The 'top ' as in the most desirable of both sexes on these sites go on dates upon dates and most of them never quite find what they are looking for.
Making us all a little more shallower as a whole. Also, the modern individual is a little more narcissistic than ever.
This gives a lot of us a false sense of our worth as people. This leads most young men and women to casually date till they wake up in Late thirties and early forties with a sense of urgency to find somebody anybody. I do not know how we can solve the dating problem but it's a problem both sexes have. Even Ladies on bumble the pro-female dating app aren't having much luck either.
Don't know why but it seams to be very logical. That's a lot of competition. And those guys that get picked don't have to settle at all, why would they? That's why women complain. They simply pick guys that they can't "afford". Women and men do exactly the same thing, they drop less interesting people as soon as possible.
The difference is such that women drop guys before they meet them, guys drop women after they have sex with them. It's the same outside the online world but on much smaller scale. The more attractive 50 stayed together not because they were never interested in opposite sexes, oh no, exactly opposite, they had very interesting encounters.
They are just cool and every woman wants them. So I just got this thought. Maybe the whole idea with monogamy is just an absurd? Maybe everything is all right but we are looking at it from wrong perspective? Maybe handsome guys should have many women and many kids and ugly guys should go to war and die?
I've been on Plenty of Fish quite sometime and a few other dating websites, I'm a genuine guy, who will make an interest in reading and talking about interests. Yet get very few replies, but I have had people say I'm a good looking guy. The biggest problem with dating websites, is ratio, there is more men then women on dating websites Go in chatroom's and you will see probably about men to every women in these chatrooms.
Dating websites, is a bit like a competition at least it seems like that, where you're competing with everyone else. I set up an experiment once, just to see one of the reasons, why guys might struggle on these sites I set up a female profile, with permission using a female friends photo's.
Within minutes of setting up the profile, creating a fake bio Within half an hour, that profile had an incredible 75 messages from different guys, most put no effort in their messages or asking for one thing. Sadly if that's the case for a lot of girls getting so many messages, I can understand why so many of us guys struggle on these sites to get replies.
Another thing is and I have noticed it on quite a few of these female profiles, is the unrealistic expectations certain women set themselves. In the process extremely limiting her picks and possibly excluding somebody who's a bit shorter that could be the best partner for her. We all have expectations but it's those unrealistic expectations sometimes that I think is another thing guys have to compete against and why these women are single themselves, the knight prince on horse back doesn't exist in real life.
He comes to the village, impregnates all young women and goes away. Then he comes back next year. Women are programmed to have children with the best men they can find. I'm not blaming anyone. The rest of life is a bunch of different stories, some are funny, some are happy but half of them are sad. And now because of the computers are running dating scene, we have data to prove it. I think that this is first stage, we just noticed that something is wrong.
That was actually very smart experiment. Majority of these men are chasing after women that are not in their league.
That explains why as a single 35 year old female with no children that I constantly get messaged by 19 years olds, 54 year olds, guys with 3 kids, and other men where we dont share the same values and ANY common interests.
I am also approached by men in other states that want me to pick up and move for them. I've clarified that I'm not interested in men outside my parameters but many think they can change my mind. They think they are so amazing that if I met them I will fall in love. Many women are different in that if a guy rejects us MOST will just move on to the next.
When I reject men they become hyper focused on changing my mind. I wish more people would adopt the notion that if someone doesn't want you that you should just move on. Even if you change their mind its usually temporary. If I want to have a child of my own and a guy has 3 kids and doesn't want more I'm not going to change my mind.
I dont have time to give everyone a chance. If guys stopped messaging women they have no chance with and messaged women they have things in common with they would be better off instead of messaging some hot dream girl that is out of their league. Many of these men get angry and lash out.
And I'm also tired of the overtly sexual messages as well. You've deluded yourself into getting it the opposite way around. You are looking for nothing but hot, single men in their thirties, and so is every other woman on the website. Goes to show what primadonnas women on dating sites are when you can get it all this wrong.
But don't go telling someone you've never met she's "way past her prime. I do think it's funny that you label a "hot single guy in his 30s," as tops among men. Let me tell you , they're not all looking for that. I'm in my 30s and in great shape best of my life , 6ft tall, friendly, respectful, own a house, two cars, my own business, and vacation around the world.
And I still struggle to get women who aren't overweight or who have kids to respond to me! My guess, for whatever reason, I don't photograph very well. And apparently, that's the most important thing. I've always done much much better meeting people in bars. Honestly, I'd ditch the computer and go back to that in a second, except all of my friends are married and don't want to go out anymore.
So, if I go out to a bar, I'm the weird guy out at the bars alone. It's not easy for anybody, unless you look like Brad Pitt. I can't believe the BS in this opinion piece. I've been online dating for years and only once in a blue moon will I receive a "well-crafted" message from a woman. I used bumble and exactly the same experience, usually it's just a"hi" or the equivalent.
Which effectively negates the idea that a woman has to message first because the onus is still on the man to create an interesting dialogue. Well i will certainly have to say that the real good old fashioned women of years ago really did put the women of today to real shame altogether since they were so much nicer with a very good personality as well as having good manors which made it very easy finding real love back then as well which today Most of the women are very Horrible to date unfortunately.
It is very difficult for many of us men to start a conversation with a woman since most of them aren't nice at all unfortunately which they will totally ignore us and walk away as well. Online dating is a real joke altogether since many women will not even show up when you set a place where to meet. So looking for love for many of us good men is like looking for a needle in a haystack which makes it very sad for us since many women nowadays like playing head games to begin with.
At least years ago there were really good places to go to meet a good woman for a very good relationship since you had parties, church dances, at school, through friends and families as well as neighbors that would introduce you to someone that they think would be right for you which now it has become very impossible unfortunately.
Man, I totally agree and I am saying this even if I am 30, sporty guy, can cook, have a PhD, write poems, participate in photography contests and earn a decent buck. However I am short, of very clear Italian descendant with baby face and slightly piggy nose and I might strike people as a bit nerdy even if I am very outgoing after you meet me.
Even following all the possible tips I almost never got a reply on either OKC or meet. The fact is after all this effort and not having any glimpse of success I am also thinking that maybe I will not have kids or I will try to relocate on another continent , try to be rich and have fun with my good friends and establish a charity to help people in need also because I earn more money than I need for a single person.
And by the way even if all of a sudden some of my efforts would pay off, I am so irritated by years of insuccess that I would not settle for a girl shows some slight interest without putting any effort like all these "queens" on these websites, what can they really do?
Can they sustain all this stress, what do they do? I am currently on Tinder, and have been for about a month. All of the messages I have received from men have been respectful so far. I'm not sure why, but I'm guessing it has something to do with how I wrote my profile, as well as the pictures I chose to show. My profile is pretty straight forward, without being bitchy. My pictures are tasteful, and there are also some that show I am pretty jacked.
I swear that after I have become more buff, men have gotten a ton more respectful. And no, I don't think I'm special because I'm fit, it is just a physicality. I think one very important thing that any female can do, is be straight forward with what you want, but with a trace of ambiguity and openness. This way men feel comfortable enough to state what they really want, which is course paramount when finding someone of any decent quality and character.
Also, this prevents men from molding themselves to what you want so they can get laid. If you receive a pervert message which you will- it's pretty much guaranteed , do not give them any type of reward attention. Simply block, or keep the message so you can remember them, and therefore not be subjected to the behavior again. The way women present themselves provokes how men will react.
When I see genuine and cute profile, I try to be as well mannered as possible, I don't want to loose this opportunity. But when I see a woman that I don't like and she's a bit off, like desperate or bitchy, then my first idea is to ask her if she agrees to have sex with me, nothing else.
I don't do it because I'm fully aware that it doesn't work that way and I simply don't message her. But this illustrates the difference between my messages based on women's profiles. I am a woman trying st internet dating. There is no guarantee for a man or a woman that they will meet a great partner on the internet. Their age - very young - there location - in another state - their marital status - married - no pictures - incomplete profiles - they have not bothered to read my profile.
Then I read through their profile to see if they might be a person I would consider meeting in person. Guys, don't think the women are ignoring you. I READ the profiles.
Why am i so bad at online dating
At least half the men are excluded because they have pets and I am very allergic to animals. Love your dog and your profile picture has a dog? I will pass over you.
Say you are an animal lover in your profile? Every man I have messaged that has a pet says "too bad - I love my pet". But just one of the reasons I do not message you. I actually READ the profile to see if there is compatibility. Want a girlfriend who is kosher? Want a girlfriend who is a great cook? Want a girlfriend who likes casual sex how is sex casual? Want an animal lover? Have a fifth grade education and want a woman who can keep house?
If you just want flattery, don't expect it on the internet. It is nice to get messages, but if the guy is completely incompatible in many ways, why do I have to send a message? I don't expect men who do not like my online profile to message me either. The fact that I get dozens of messages from completely unsuitable men does not mean I am ignoring "nice guys". Your neighbor is "nice". Is she dating material for you?
My neighbors are "nice". Are they suitable dating material for me? If so, I would be married by now. Very difficult to find a suitable partner on line or anywhere.
I'll admit that I ignore most of the messages I get on okcupid. I'm not interested in forcing myself into a relationship with someone that I'm really not attracted to. It frustrates me that so often do people think that just because they're "nice" they deserve a shot and that simply isn't how attraction works.
Men especially think this way. If you're nice and I'm not attracted to you, that makes you good friend material, but if I have to kiss you, I'm going to be forcing myself to do it. That doesn't even take into account sex. I'm not going to date you so why bother?
I also ignore or block creepy messages for which I get a lot. If you're okay looking and you message me about something we're both interested in I will reply. If I replied to every single message, even the ones I wasn't attracted to, I would have to be talking to at least 15 different guys every day. And they would probably continue talking to me for a week at least.
That's around different people I would have to talk to by the end of my first week. Almost all of those guys will probably be ones I'm not interested in so why would I bother?
It will be a waste of time for both of us. Also you can't TELL a guy you're not interested. I've done this, I've tried to be nice, I'll even say "Hey you really like 'A' and I'm more of a 'B' kind of girl" or "you smoke and I'm not really a fan, but good luck! I get people desperately trying to tell me those things shouldn't matter if we connect on such and such another level that maybe doesn't matter to me.
Clearly I can't make my own decision on who's worthy of my time and I should just accept all these supposedly nice guys that flip the moment I'm not interested.
This also doesn't mean all guys are like this. There have been maybe 3 that I told them I wasn't interested in after talking to them and why and they went on their merry way.
If the majority of messages women receive are juvenile, insulting, generic or just plain creepy, why is it that those rare men who study women's profiles the written ones and craft each message around the woman's likes, dislikes, hobbies, etc, still receive almost no replies? And speaking of likes and dislikes, has anyone noticed that in many areas men and women like different things?
How many men will say "Hey, I like romance novels too!Online Dating Guide For Women (How to Land a Quality Man Online)
I am a woman who loathes romance novels and films , but loves martial arts revenge films. I am not saying this to be funny. You should absolutely put that in your profile. You will get more messages juvenile and otherwise , almost guaranteed. While I certainly appreciate the desire to write about the travails of online dating I find your claim that this is the whole story from the male and female perspectives to be laughable. The whole story is likely impossible to tell but any story told from the perspective of two individuals to describe the experience of tens of millions of people is bound to be a bit shortsighted.
I think that a large part of the problem with online dating is how we view ourselves and others. The vast majority of profiles I've seen read like job applications. It seems as if a healthy smattering of keywords is all that is required to share who we are as individuals. The majority of profiles are as similar as mainstream medias concept of beauty. In the end there isn't much to differentiate one profile from another.
On rare occasions someone has shown a willingness to write something unique. A rare individual that is capable of thinking for themselves and doesn't feel the need to be a carbon copy of what society tells us are our desirable traits. Of the hundreds of profiles I've viewed this past few years I have come across a handful less than 10 and closer to 5 of women that stand apart from the crowd.
That is a very desirable trait in my search. A few years ago I had a profile on okcupid. I uploaded a few decent pictures of myself. I received a lot of views and a decent amount of messages. A year ago I created a new profile on okcupid and uploaded one picture that makes it somewhat more difficult to tell what I look like. This time around I've received considerably less profile views and considerably less messages. I have no way of knowing how okcupid may treat my profile due to this difference but I have experienced enough to know that women just like men are swayed by physical appearance.
Fortunately i am content with who I am as a person and recognize that at this stage of my life I am looking for a woman to connect with intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. Certainly for myself physical attraction is important but it has moved from the top of my list to the bottom. I wish I could state that my shifting ideals have made it easier to find potential partners but in reality it is now immeasurably more difficult.
In a society that values shallow beliefs, physical beauty, and cultural uniformity my attempt to find a truly unique individual has so far been unsuccessful. Due to my differing belief system actually formed by myself through a couple decades of searching both inside and out utilizing the internet to find a partner provides slightly better odds than winning the lottery without buying a ticket. To those still looking.
May your search prove fruitful and may you not only find a partner but perhaps yourself along the way. What an intelligent, well-crafted description. I have to ask, I really have to, but I already know the answer: Where are the men who treat words this way? You would think they would know how to treat a woman, too. Obviously not on Websites, which is why there is hope in this world, that past the wave of flat, online-dating lameness perhaps people will once again resort to real Life to get one Thank you, this is refreshing.
It has become clear to me with the passing of the years that my knowledge and understanding are very limited much to my own consternation. However I will do my best to explain the situation as I see it.
My answer will likely seem off topic and possibly confusing. Unfortunately the real issue, as is almost always the case with problems we are facing today, exists far beyond the usual scope of answers proffered. For a large society to function social stratification must be present.
When a population expands beyond a relatively small number it is impossible for everyone to have an equal voice as the time and energy requirements would preclude the accomplishment of the necessary workloads.
To skirt this issue society requires managerial positions and base labor or worker positions. Just as managers help organize workers the governing of society requires the same type of organization.
The answer to this problem would seem to lie in providing an equal education for all. That answer provides a couple glaring issues. First off it is important to recognize that those in positions of prestige will seek to maintain their position and furthermore will seek to promote the inclusion of their offspring into similar positions. Secondly our education system isn't so much a system of learning as it is a system of training. For our society to function we require managers and workers.
If our education system really sought to equalize knowledge our current system would cease to exist. Instead our education system is designed to separate gifted from normal students as potential managers versus the working class. The design of our education system clearly has its roots in the workings of industry.
Teach children to be on time and ready for a full days learning. Teach children to submit to authority early teacher so as to be prepared to submit to those in managerial positions later on. Teach children to seek out permission in regards to bodily functions so as to further separate them from the ability to govern themselves.
Likewise our education system separates children from families to further degrade our communal nature including compassion and empathy and therefore connection to each other. This is where it gets interesting. Consider what we've done so far. Now I'd ask that you reconsider your question.
If your question was based upon a society of equals who were all knowledgeable, reasonable, autonomous and yet cooperative we could easily reason that people would treat each other with kindness and respect. However we've created a system of inequality in which the common citizen holds little if any power and instead lives by the whims of society at large. This system promotes competition as it is undeniably preferable to gain power and move up the social ladder.
My contention is that inequality and competition are the precursors of societies ills. Men mistreating women certainly but more to the point people mistreating each other for gain. It seems odd to think that men seeking a partner would act as many so often do but it is important to remember we're not dealing with intellectually compassionate equals. We're dealing with generations of people that have been bred to compete with one another and ultimately not see each other as equals but as enemies of a sort.
We're not killing each other for the most part at least within our own society but we are competing for limited resources to our own detriment. It is important to note that women are playing their own role in this game of losers. Women by evolutionary design primarily revolving around the unequal distribution of effort regarding procreation seek out comfort and safety which play into the unequal distribution of power and wealth.
Early on men realize their ability to find a partner directly correlates to their ability to acquire wealth so as to be a better provider of safety and comfort for a wife and any potential offspring. While it is true a poor man can find a partner it should come as no surprise that the greater wealth a man possesses the more opportunities he has to find a desirable mate. So we are left with a very complicated answer to what seems like a reasonably simple question. Unfortunately we are dealing with complex systems based upon an unequal distribution of wealth, power and knowledge.
My explanation is quite limited in its scope but explains the answer as I see it. Unfortunately the answer I've given also infers similar issues with offline dating as ultimately this has little to do with the internet and more to do with society.
The internet plays its own role in this debacle with its inherent anonymity further allowing a debasement of the civilized forms of respect we've come to accept as normal. Consider for instance civilization isn't so much truly civil as it is civil within the confines of its power structures.
Also I can attest to the fact that I currently hold an account on okcupid. I am currently looking for a partner. I have also chosen to abstain from competition regarding wealth and power and instead am attempting to find a place on the fringes of society where I can be myself without harming others. I own very little, earn very little, and struggle to find women willing to get to know someone in my societal position as a potential partner. Certainly there are many good women open to dating a man such as myself but the difficulty is increased immensely.
I have to be honest, your reply, while very interesting on societal analysis level, in very interesting, but it is indeed slightly off topic. I am just surprised, being that Website dating starts with writing and pictures, that men put so little effort in writing.
It would be like going to a date wearing really sloppy clothes. My question was not based upon a society of equals, but it was based on a society where all have access to school, which is the case in the US. However biased the system is, we all have choices and access to literacy regardless of gender. I was also not considering dating based on a marketing transaction -men with fat bank accounts and women stuck in comfort zones- but based on feelings and building a life with someone of the opposite sex because when you're with that person, you don't feel like you need or wish to be anywhere else.
And that has absolutely nothing to do with bank accounts and comfort zones. But in this country, everything revolves around marketing laws, including what cannot be bought, sold, or quantified. Which is why I don't have an account, because dating accounts are marketing tools, too.
That said, you might run into a human being on one of them at some point, because anything is possible. I really appreciate your succinct description of our issues with marketing in all facets of our life.
Regarding the point you have made in regards to how little effort men put into writing as a means of sharing their true selves I would like to suggest that the issue is not limited to men.
I've perused hundreds of women's profiles and I can attest that it is a rare person that writes of themselves in a fashion that isn't simply a marketing job. The vast majority of women's profiles read exactly like a job application. I don't believe the issue has to do with literacy per se. Instead I believe the issue lies with the individuals capacity to think for themselves. I mentioned education as I believe a large part of the intended goal is to afford people the ability to receive instruction.
As opposed to being able to decide whether or not they should be following the instructions. My most recent relationship was with an intelligent and compassionate woman who received a Waldorf education and in turn taught at the Waldorf Highschool she attended.
She repeatedly informed me in our year and a half together that she wasn't comfortable with showing me her true self. Instead she often acted in ways to impress me.
Even after we'd been together over a year she was still putting on airs. Certainly this could be attributed to my actions. However having lived through the experience I can attest that I strove to make her feel loved and accepted as she was. Ultimately what I've come to understand is that she has not yet learned to accept herself.
I believe this is incredibly common in our society. After all our marketing systems have done a very thorough job of setting impossible and often inane ideals and as we are both aware the primary victims are women. For someone to truly connect with another person and feel completely content with another they must first know and accept themselves.
In my forty plus years in America I believe that to be a rarity. I have known people of all ages including countless couples who seem to have a better grasp on celebrities lives than they do on their own. I can count perhaps a handful of people I've met who have formed their own systems of belief. The vast majority have simply accepted whatever belief system they were fed without question.
It seems as if very few people have done the internal work required to truly know oneself. That was one of the main points I was attempting to get across. My long winded explanation may have been an ineffectual attempt at explaining my reasoning behind this issue. Thank you for sharing your insight and reasoning behind your disinterest in online dating.
In regards to myself I have done a lot of work to understand the world in my own fashion as opposed to what I was taught. My dating profile is quite lengthy and is intended to share who I am as a human being in hopes of finding someone that has done similar work.
What I have shared of myself also has the benefit of eliminating a lot of potential conflicts that typically arise in conversations with people as part of the process of getting to know one another. I have no way of knowing whether or not any of this matters but I figured that trying a new tact certainly cannot cause me to be more single than I already am.
I wonder if the information provided about there being more men than women is for a particular age group? I am reasonably attractive and several of my photos were taken by a professional not altered in any way-I wanted it to be clear that they are really like me and give the date taken.
I've put a lot of effort into my profile so that it gives unique info about me and describes the qualities of a good guy are to me and despite having at least one hundred matches in my region I haven't received any communication sincc e the first week when 2 men contacted me with questions. So I have communicated with several men. Are all the men contacting the same small subset of women or are they to lazy to communicate at all.
Several of the men I communicated with then viewed my profile and neither responded or blocked me. It takes only 2 clicks to block a profile. I find it inconsiderate. I think I'll connect with you Intellectually. It remains to be seen if I'll also connect spiritualily and emotionally. I'm 19 going on 20 and the first messages are from guys way older than me at 30 and up to their 50's. Where are the dudes closer to my age!
Seriously why, Even when I dont have a picture Well, some men prefer younger women maybe for their youth or maybe they feel they can manipulate them before they get older? Some older women are bitter after a divorce or bad relationships with bad men could be another reason. I am almost 53 and no offense prefer women around my own age, say 47 to I have had younger women in their early 20's to 30's interested on Match: I was married for 24 years, been divorced 3 years.
I am 5'7 in shape and the dating world seems wicked since I was married and I have dated some attractive ladies. It does work but the odds are seriously stacked against men.
Women, if they know their value and are pretty, want Superman. They block or ignore them Online dating sucks for men. Women have to weed through the countless messages determining who the winner is.
Why Online Dating Doesn’t Work For Most Guys (And What To Do About It)
Pretty accurate assessment when it comes to men. Let's cut to the chase. I have been on and off dating sites for 8 years. Had a couple of relationships but from women, here are some of what I get regularly: To attract men, the majority of women describe themselves as "athletic and toned", "liberal", "love the outdoors" and most of them kayak, mountain climb, zip line, hang glide, parachute, run marathons, swim, etc. When do they find time for a relationship?
I don't think that many men on these sites fit that criteria. Men also exchange messages online and all of a sudden it goes dead but women are online still talking with others but not responding to your last message I have read "no receding hairlines", "no skin problems", "no facial hair", "only vegans should write back", "if you did not vote for Barack Obama don't bother replying", "if you are voting for Trump please don't email me", "no men with brown eyes", "only blue eyes please" and even "if you have toe nail fungus don't bother contacting me".
I could write a book. BTW, these same women call themselves "down to earth" and "looking for a great guy who is thoughtful, caring, a good communicator, financially sound, etc. Myself, I have a great job, financially set, not picky, average looking, 5'7" pounds, etc. But women are looking for George Clooney, Brad Pitt hey ladies here is your chance I'd say caring who the person is going to vote for is important.
If you have liberal views you want someone else who does too. If you have conservative political views you might not get along with a liberal political view.
I personally don't even want to be friends with anyone who would vote for Trump. Why would I be willing to date someone who does? I think if it comes down to values and lifestyle choices, it's ok to state those. But yes, requiring a specific height, hairline, etc is very silly. You also do have to be attracted to the person. As someone who has dated someone just because they like their personality and has tried to look past their appearance, I can tell you it has lead to be not wanting sex.
Now if the guy is ok with no sex, then sure it doesn't matter what someone looks like. But yeah media and society has screwed with both genders view on what is and isn't attractive and that can make online dating, and non-online dating very difficult.
I dated a Liberal woman and no conflicts arose from our political differences. I find it troubling you wouldn't even want to be friends with someone who would vote for Trump, or even someone who wouldn't be friends with another who voted for Hillary.
You sound grossly intolerant of other people's views. You should be open to people with differing views than your own, otherwise you will fall into engaging in groupthink and confirmation bias. In other words, you will not learn much in this world seeking out people who will just agree and affirm your opinions on life.
You grow by seeking those out who can show you a different perspective. In my experience, I've found people like you frustrating to say the least. My favorite moment is when they stop messaging in the middle of conversation. You try again and again but there is no response although she's online, like she had a heart attack suddenly. Another one is when they don't show up. First date and without any warning just no show. Then no response of course.
Love those moments especially when they call men creeps. After several contacts like this in the row, men can start acting creepy, I guess. They learn very quickly to not give any respect to women because they are not going to get it back even when everything is going very well. Well, I'm not there yet but I get pissed sometimes, it's nothing like in real life.
I never thought that beeing 5. Asking women to give you a chance and message you back after looking at your message and profile is like women asking you to message and reach out whenyou have zero attraction, nothing in common and zero interest in taking to.
It goes both ways. Just because you're intrested and they aren't doesn't mean they want bad boys and smooth talkers. Men you don't reach out to women you're not attracted to, don't except women to make the exceptions lol. The difference, Brooke, is that men find a wide variety of women attractive. Women all find the exact same men attractive. The popularity of online dating is increasing day by day as some of amazing apps are already out in the market.
We can expect some more apps which will be safe and great to use in the future. I know some girls might not want to hear or accept this but it's a reality. I'm not a pig and I have good intentions, I want nothing more than a real relationship with someone I'm mutually attracted to. But if I can't have that I will take what I want and go from there.
Ladies, my advice is if you take the best men available to you online this is likely to happen. Remember, we men are taking our best options because we're in a totally different ballpark. We get messages once every couple weeks if we're lucky, you gals get up to hundreds in that time-frame and rarely message us back. It sets you up to be shallow. I probably would be too if the roles were reversed. First let me say that I am by no means attacking any one person in particular and I though it may sound like it at times, the statements I am making are simply my opinion and only my opinion.
Beyond that, I do not pretend to be an expert on what women want or what men do incorrectly. I am merely being as honest as the others on this site to whom I say thank you. So please, know I am coming from the same frustrated place as the thoughtful and honest men and women who have commented here.
I only hope to give my viewpoint to perhaps shed some light however dim, LOL on the incorrect, ill-advised thoughts and information that men make about women vs. And that men and women can somehow reach a semblance of mutual understanding. It is never my goal to exacerbate the problem or further drive a wedge between us. So- having said all that — whew! Allow me to explain: See, we women love sex, too depending, of course , but we are not coming from the same, ahem, overwhelming pressure point as most men.
And so do women. We are human, too. Yes, I admit, we too have eyes and are attracted to someone good looking but guess what? And with men, it is. I cannot speak for all women nor would I claim to,, but I know enough of us sufficient to go out on a limb here and say the following with measured confidence: And they would not be lying about that, either.
A true nice guy, in our minds is a man who treats us with mutual respect, And those guys are cherished and sought after, not overlooked. Or, if you are, maybe you are not allowing that to shine through in your profile somehow? Please get it straight, please. I am referring to non-physical, non-employment or money-based attributes which we women, go figure , are truly looking for in a partner.
Meanwhile, you guys are doing the ole, what is it? We have to expend a large chunk of our lives and real energy thinking about crap you would never dream of,. Fear and risk are a real thing and do play into the whole online dating thing for us, as much as you might not want to believe it or ever even factor it in. So please, try to remember things beyond your own paradigm.
We will do the same for you. Good luck out there everyone! You did spend a lot of time on your tex to clarify the situation! I salute you for this effort. I do understand and identify to all of what you said. I am only saddenned that the phenomenon of online dating is a speculative viscious circle where the more men need to date someone, the more selective because submerged women are and therefore the more men need to date someone!
II don't think you are spitting on us and I understand that it is a delicate matter on both sides. Reversing the mechanism will take a lot of goodwilling people ready to change their attitudes! One guy sent me this message: I can make sure you are kept well dressed and have all the latest handbags. All you have to do is give it to me whenever I want it. My response seeing as men complain that they don't get a response and women are just being rude: I can buy these things on my own as I am self sufficient and make my own way in this world.
You sound like you are looking for a whore. You may want to spend your time at a brothel instead of wasting your time on dating sites. You are everything I am looking for to complete my life. I think we could be great together.
My response after looking at his profile or lackthereof as a headless torso with only a vague description of what his interests are or any indication that he has a personality: Mariella replies First, change your criteria. It might be better to pause your rigorous appraisal process and learn to make friends first. If choices about the people we grow to value in our lives were all based on such speedy assessments imagine the number of wonderful characters who might slip our grasp.
The same is true when it comes to relationships. Love at first sight can be a terrible deception. We have to embrace the mystery and surprises along with the frustrations. Then again as someone slowly but inexorably slipping back to the analogue world wherever possible, I may not be the best person to advise on seeking a mate online. In my youth we were limited by our location and chance encounters.
Your state of mind, your current desires, the signals that inform your pheromones and the ones that dampen them are influenced as much by circumstances as chemistry. You could be in a room full of 40 men who superficially qualify as your type and yet not find any to your taste.
Far more important than securing dates is setting about your own life with enthusiasm and appetite. If you are busy, stimulated and engaged you are at your most attractive, not just to those around you but also to yourself. Internet dating can actually present a reduction in choices and chances. It turns partner-seeking into a process better suited to casting a movie than forging lasting connections.